Reflective after ER visit

Sooooooooooooooooooo

I did end up going to the ER. I will say it was a good visit over all. I can tell that they have been doing some changes. I was seen within 15 minutes. About 10 minutes after that I saw the doctor. He was a doctor I had seen once before when I had a TIA type event. He ordered up some medicines, a few migraine medicine injections (which were stimulants of course), a medicine for vomiting because the migraine made me sick to my stomach. And finally Benadryl of all things to help calm down my heart etc due to the stimulant migraine medication. The nurse was a bit elderly though I think and couldn't see well in the dark room (room was kept dark due to my light sensitivity issues) thus a younger nurse which I have had a few other times came in and gave me my IV. They also did a CT after my light sensitivity issues went away to see if anything has changed in my brain. Of course nothing has changed..

Anyways,

I was debating on going to the ER or not. What really made me decide to go is that the pain level was putting stress on my heart and lungs causing my heart rate jumping from 120-170 BPM. Shortness of breath was also with that. The pain was quite bad, though I will say I wonder if it is just because I haven't had days like the pass few days for a few months, thus my body/mind wasn't use to it so to speak.

So going to the ER does make one reflect on death somewhat because they do ask if I have an advance directive etc. My wife and I have talked about this many times and she is quite understanding of things. Since this is my blog I thought I would share my thoughts with those who read.

I am tired, not just physically tired but also spiritually and mentally tired; even more so on days like this pass week. Not that I am suicidal or wish to hurt my self but I am ready to go and be with the Lord. I find my thoughts similar to those of Paul in Phil. 1:19-25. Though I know God is keeping me here due to His will and purpose I am torn and desire to be with God. To be out of this broken body, out of this world of sin. To not worry if when I go to sleep if I will be able to get up out of bed the next day. To not worry on what my pain level will be or if I will be so tired that I won't be able to do something as simple as play with my daughters and their My Little Pony toys. As I said though I desire to be with God out of this situation. To be with those whom are saved by God's grace and have left this world before me. To be with my God, my Christ, my King. But I am here for God's purpose, for God's will, which is a mystery.

 It is a mystery to us here on Earth why God causes and allows things to happen as they do, the simple answer is for His glory of course. For this I have seen in my life, I have lead a couple people to Christ since my condition has became what it is. People whom others may of found hard to relate to. Even though I see this fruit I also still wonder why it sometimes feels like God is teasing me with death. Sometimes makes me feels like I am just on the edge, that I am just about to meet Him. I do know though due to the sinful nature of man there will be things I will never know, never have answers to.

As I said, I am tired though and my thoughts do linger on the words of Paul, "To live for Christ and to die is gain"

Pain

So I haven't written in a while,

I really haven't had a lot to say or what not but today I figured I write something since people do check this to see how I am feeling. Today I am miserable. Constant migraine since 6:00am with dizziness and shortness of breath. Also my vision has been blurry and having blindness in bright light type issues. I am experiencing some dizziness today, shortness of breath, and nerve pain real bad in my legs.

I haven't had these combination of symptoms for quite a while and it really sucks because you can forget what it feels like and miserable it makes you until it happens. So how do I cope. Well currently I am sitting in the living room  wit no lights on, black out curtains on the windows with my monitor brightness on low. Also drinking water because my stomach is all upset due to the dizziness and migraine. Earlier I laid down with all the covers over me, not letting light in where I did some breathing exercises to prevent my self from screaming/crying in pain, I eventually passed out for a bit and woke back up.

So back to the question, "How am I dealing with this today?" Well one really can't, you just have to let it happen and run it's course. Took some migraine pills which have been failsauce today. If I am not better in a couple hours I may go to the doctor or ER. Like all post I am not really posting this to complain or get sympathy, just being informative. People always ask me what I am like on my real bad days and this ranks up there pretty high but at least I can get out of bed and I am able to move :)

Anyways the screen is making my eyes hurt, I will post back later with an update

Dustin